Short version:
The server I ordered was supposed to ship from within the U.S., but various complications resulted in it being sent from China and delayed at multiple steps along the way. I just got confirmation that it's been released by U.S. Customs and should arrive at the end of this week. Thank you all for the concern and offers of assistance. At the point, the best thing you can do is wish for good weather and good luck.
There are days when the phrase "Catastrophic Hardware Failure" seems woefully inadequate. Today is one of those days. Seems to be a running theme in 2020.
It's a setback, but not an unrecoverable one. I expect the site to be down for a while, though.